" I can't work and I can't concentrate. The little sleep I do have is full of nightmares. I cry or get nervous often. I stare aimlessly into space. I can't eat or eat too much and my health is fading. I can't clean my house. I walk around like a zombie. I feel so foggy. I can't find or remember anything. I don't go out. I can't find my energy. I rarely answer calls. Time passes... but I stay inside. I HAVE... PTSD." -- Women With PTSD Information
For the past 4 years, I have been eating my pain away. Trying to get it to go away and stop bothering me. It worked if only but a minute and then it was there until my next eating binge. In hindsight, I see now that my soul was silently giving me signals that it was time for my healing journey to begin. But I couldn't go there. I have been surviving in my life as opposed to living it - I was running on automatic while inside I was slowly breaking down.
Little by little, I started losing myself to myself. Going out and enjoying life got to be less and less. Wanting to be around people became less and less. My sense of priorities became cloudier by the day. Little by little my sense of self was disintegrating and I didn't see it. Well in October of last year, I SAW IT. It roared and spoke out and said "NO MORE. WE CANNOT GO ON AUTOMATIC ANYMORE. YOU NEED TO HELP US." The we that was speaking was my mind, my body, and my soul. Together they joined forces and stopped me in my tracks. I had only two choices: do something about it or die a slow death of me shutting myself within myself to never come back. Some where within me, was a very tiny voice that said "It's time. It's time to begin."
And begin I did. I started seeing my trauma counselor 6 weeks ago. Do you know what it's like when someone validates what you're going through? Words cannot describe how I felt when my trauma counselor acknowledge me in regards to my abuse. That first session, I cried the whole session. Built up emotions just came flooding out because for the first time in my 48 year old life, I WAS VALIDATED. Since that time, I have other people on different legs of their healing journey guiding me and sharing me their pain, their achievements, their ups and their downs. It lets me know that I'm not alone and I don't have to go at this alone.